Our Story: An Introduction

Over a year ago, I started an anonymous blog as an outlet for our fertility struggles without a thought or care if anyone would ever read it.  I just needed somewhere to vent the anxiety and stress that was building up like a pressure cooker inside because I felt so alone in my heartbroken grief.  Knowing what I know now, the words of my very first post jump off the page at me.  My heart breaks for this woman and oh, how I wish I could somehow travel back in time to give her a hug and a hefty dose of encouragement.  I suppose that sentiment is largely why I am writing this now. 

Infertility is such a private, personal matter that many couples you meet aren’t willing to share the excruciatingly painful details of their struggle.  I know because I was one of them.  I’m sure my family guessed there were problems but I never once shared the reality of what we were going through.  It was far too heartbreaking to talk about.  And while I am sure many would have offered to come alongside of us for support during the infertility journey, unless you have walked that road, there is no possible way for you to truly understand.  I stayed silent but I wish I had a rallying community of the women who went before me to stand in my corner and cheer me on.  So whether I know you personally or not, while you sit at your computer screen researching all of these scary new terms that were just thrown at you during your doctor appointment wondering what God has in store for you, I hope you find your way here.  I want you to know I understand.  I want you to know I am standing in your corner cheering you on.  I want you to know I am intimately aware of the agony you feel sitting on your heart each and every day.  To the woman in the thick of things, this story is being written for you.  And it is a story of hope against all the odds.

FLASHBACK

January 1, 2015

My husband and I have found ourselves in very unfamiliar territory as we trudge in and out of the fertility clinic wondering what the Lord has in store for us after 13 years of marriage.  Will he make us a family?  Will he give us a family through adoption?  Will he give us a family at all?  Does he want us to take a specific action now or wait on him? 

In uncertain times in the past, I often joked that it would be great if God would send a telegram to our front door telling us what we should do in regard to whatever big decision or crisis we were facing.  (i.e. job losses, moving, a random car accident lawsuit/etc.)  Okay, I wasn’t really joking.  It would be wonderful if Gabriel showed up, rang my doorbell and handed us a heavenly decorated envelope with our life instructions inside.  We would know what the Lord wants us to do specifically and be able to move on for good, one way or another.  But God doesn’t really work that way, does he?

After a doctor appointment in late spring 2014, I jokingly asked the Lord for a telegram when my doctor recommended we see a fertility specialist after a panel of tests.  What I didn’t expect was to actually receive one!  Well, many dozen over the coming months.  I should preface by saying Gabriel did NOT show up at my door but the Lord has been giving me little nuggets of truth at my most vulnerable times and I hold on to them for dear life!  I often feel like a shipwrecked sailor clinging to that board of driftwood in the middle of the ocean.  I’ve always known the Lord allows times of trials to draw us closer to him and I have experienced that many times.  This time around it’s a lot more personal.  It’s much more raw and emotional.  Maybe I feel that way because of the nature of the crisis at hand and the many questions it raises.  If children are indeed a blessing from the Lord, why isn’t he blessing us in this way? 

I’m writing to document my journey and share my “telegrams”.  I’m really not expecting anyone to read it since it’s mainly a way for me to vent what I’m feeling since my husband and a dear friend are the only people that are privy to the details.  How much can I really unload on them on a daily basis?  My hope is that when my husband and I are at the end of this road (and we will be someday, this infertility journey won’t be forever) we can look back and not only see the Lord’s hand in all of this from the very beginning but that we can also be an encouragement to someone else who might be trekking this lonely and heart wrenching road.  They won’t feel alone.   

And likewise, I’m not alone in this.  Not by a long shot.  

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Stay Tuned for Part 1: Does Delay Mean Denial?
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