Our Story Part 4: A Dream is a Wish

January 31, 2015

I woke up early this morning singing the Doxology hymn. 

Praise God from whom all Blessings Flow

Praise Him all creatures here below

Praise Him above, ye heavenly host

Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost

At some point during the morning, I dreamed that I got a positive pregnancy test. I saw the word "pregnant" on the digital window of a test stick and immediately fell to my knees on my bathroom floor to give thanks to God for his miracle and broke into song! The doxology! It was a marvelous dream! This has been giving me hope for the future. Not necessarily for this month but for the future in general. Interestingly enough, I saw this same doxology hymn "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow" as a typographical art post on Instagram the same day. Weird, right? After many years of prayers and tears, I wondered if the Lord had given me a comforting glimpse of the future or my mind was playing a horribly cruel joke.

There have been so many negative pregnancy tests over the years and with our devastating fertility diagnosis fresh in my mind from my appointment on November 30, 2014, I decided it was best to put the dream out of my mind.  Except, it isn't that easy.  It never is when you achingly long for something as precious as a child for more than a decade.  I clung to the infertility stories of the Bible... Hannah, Rebecca, Rachel, Sarah and Elizabeth to name a few.  I often selfishly prayed I knew the Lord was more than able to overcome our difficulties but I didn't want to be old like Sarah. 

"Lord, I don't want a child when I'm 90!"

I sunk deeper into the lonely world of infertility while it seemed every woman I knew was announcing a pregnancy or sporting their new bundle of joy. I realized it is no accident that each of the infertility stories of the Bible are different and that it is very much by design. Indeed, the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and the richness of his Word becomes more evident as we face new trials and cling to him for help.

February 1, 2015

I sat in church today and once again poured my heart out to the Lord.  He knows!  He also knows how painful it is waiting and wondering what he has in store for us.  I wrote in the margin of my Bible in Psalm 33 and 34, "Lord, I lay our future at your feet.  Whatever my lot thou has taught me to say it is well with my soul."  

Psalm 33: 11
"But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations."

Psalm 33:18-22
"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord, he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."

February 2, 2015

Today is Day 34 of my cycle.  I am likely very late from the stress mid-month just as I was in October.  (Hello, Day 35 and no positive test!)  Initially, I was starting to get excited but then when I looked over my previous cycle charts, I realized Day 34 means absolutely nothing.  I'm not even going to test until Day 37 or 40 because I don't want to get my hopes up and spend $10 on a test that only provides a big, fat negative!

Today, someone announced a pregnancy in our group meeting at work.  I'm feeling so wounded.  I understand each baby is a miracle and I am genuinely happy for this woman but I asked the Lord when our miracle will come and in the same breath I told him that I embrace whatever he has for us.  With my whole heart, I trust him even if that means no children.  My heart still hurts though.  I try hard not to allow myself to day dream about a family much because it may not happen.  The paradox is that I'm still hopeful!  Wherever the Lord is concerned, wherever he has dominion (and that is everywhere), I will always have hope. 

Hear my cries and see my tears, Lord. 

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Stay Tuned for Part 5: God Remembered Me
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